Since this is Tumblr, and I feel like I can express myself without being judged, I feel like I need to say this…

I’m constantly asked, “Why are you always depressed?” Here’s the answer: Because people seem to hate me no matter where I go or what I do. I get that not everyone will love me. I understand that. But I’m always hated no matter what.

I’ve had my shoes thrown at me forcefully by my kindergarten teacher for a solid month. I’ve been almost drowned by the same person for a solid week. Because of these things, I always flinch noticeably when I see someone move like they’ll hit me. I actually flinch away from them and try not to run from them. I won’t go in a lake or ocean deeper than my chest. I’m not afraid of water. I’ll go in a 12 foot deep pool with no problem or go on a boat. Now, if I fell off the boat, instinct to swim would kick in before my fear from almost being drowned.

What most people don’t realise is that I have never had what’s considered a normal life. And by normal, I mean a mom, a dad, and maybe one or two siblings. I’ve never had that. I’ve never met my parents. My father’s even been in jail. Does that make me a bad person? No, it does not.

Ever since I was six months old to eleven years old, I’ve lived with my grandmother. She was the only mother-figure I knew. I lost her this past June. I went to live with my aunt and uncle for the last five years. Those five years were pure helvete, or hell (Please pardon the Swedish that will sometimes find its way into my posts). Overprotective household, they had problems with all my friends, etc.

In seventh grade, I fell into depression. I started cutting and having suicidal thoughts. You would think I was fine since I was in the popular crowd. Wrong. Being in the popular crowd made it worse. I felt like I was suffocating.

By the time I got to eighth grade, I had been stabbed in the back more than I could count. I was no longer in the popular crowd. My eyes were opened and this was when I believe that my trust issues started, though they could have started sooner for all I know.

Ninth and tenth grade got even worse. I had only one person I could confide in and even he ditched me. Tenth grade is when my cutting got to a bad spot. Both of my arms, from my wrists t my elbows, were covered in cuts. By this point, so many people were trying to get me to conform, to not be myself.

I was finally pushed over the edge this past April. Two days before my sixteenth birthday, I tried to kill myself. I swallowed enough pills to overdose and then realised what I just did. I ran downstairs and told my aunt what I’d done. All she said was that I was wasting her time. I later told her that it was sad that someone would be pushed to suicide two fucking days before their sixteenth birthday. She told that it was sad.

I moved over the summer and had to leave what few friends I had behind. Completely start over. With me being socially awkward and having trust issues, making friends is extremely hard for me. Even right now, I’m still fighting my depression, suicidal thoughts, and cutting. I had been clean from cutting for almost six months and then a couple days ago I found myself dragging a razor across my arm again. Even though I moved, within three days I already had people hating me and I was already fucking everything up.

I know that @therealjacksepticeye and @markiplier tell all their fans to stay strong and that they’re there for them. But it’s really hard to see that when you’ve been told you can’t have anything to do with YouTube anymore. I’m trying to stay strong, but it gets harder and harder everyday.

When you don’t care if you even get chat banned when you stick up for yourself and say that you’re not going to stop using “XD” since it’s part of you personality…

When one of your senpai ( @daehanadams ) comments on one of your YouTube videos just because you gave him a shoutout… XDXDXD